Psychologists' advice for parents. "If a child is able to love, he is able to go" - how to help the child survive the losses caused by war

And internally displaced persons in Ukraine have more than 6. 6 million, with 66% - families with children. Forced evacuation or life in danger (today in Ukraine is completely safe to be called no place) led to the fact that every child has suffered losses in one way or another. Someone got rid of habitual life and environment, others - homes, and some lost a loved one because of war. Video day on the one hand, such careless trials can leave a injury that will affect the child's further life.

On the other hand, recent psychological studies show that children are emotionally flexible, and this increases their vitality and healing ability. A key role in this is played by warm relationships with the environment, in particular with the family. At the same time, in the war, parents themselves are experiencing tremendous stress, and therefore, they may not always have a resource for support. In this case, you should seek professional psychological help.

Even if the child does not have clear signs of injury, working with an expert can become a "psychological vitamin", prevention of disorders in the future. Among other organizations, psychosocial support for children of war and their parents today is provided by the Charitable Foundation for the voices of children. More than 30 psychologists cooperate with the fund, who conduct art therapy sessions, individual and group sessions in 6 locations in Ukraine.

Check if you have a fund location near you, and if not, you can contact online for help. We also asked the experts to share working tools that will help parents support the child during the grief. The normal response to the abnormal events of the psyche of any person-and the child and even-usually does not have the experience of overcoming injuries of war. Therefore, both children and their parents are now dealing with experiences that they never knew before.

The reaction to the death of a loved one or the loss of an important part of life in each individual, and in general, each of us-and children in particular-pass five stages of grief for kubler-Russian, which consistently change each other. It is objection, anger, bargaining, depression and, after all, acceptance. Usually the acute stage of burning in the baby lasts a month and a half, a calmer period of longing-about three months.

The child can cry, talk constantly about his / her loss, or, conversely, become quiet, closed. In young children, regressive behavior is often observed when the baby is experiencing a "rollback" in development: again asking for a mother to the handle, begins to pronounce words wrong, childishly. The child can become unorganized, some have enuresis and night horrors. All this is mostly the norm.

"Psychological vitamin" for a child What should parents alert? According to psychology, there are 3 most alarming symptoms: 1 is a child's behavior. For example, if a calm, as a whole, the baby suddenly becomes aggressive, nervous. Or vice versa: "Energyizer" becomes weak, refuses to participate in the active activities that he previously loved. 2 "Freezing". The child does not seem to experience the loss: he does not cry, does not speak.

But at the same time she "hangs", chicky: he can look at one point for a long time, not respond to the appeal. 3 Aggression and autoaggression. If the child shows her previously physical or verbal aggression to the environment or to herself (applies to himself, bites the nails to the blood), it may indicate a deep strain of injury. In my own experience and observations of colleagues, children with really anxious symptoms are about 20-25%. They need a comprehensive and deep help of specialists.

The remaining 75-80% will cope with the trauma by themselves, if you create favorable conditions. This means giving the child the opportunity to live his grief, cry. This is where art therapy and spontaneous drawing sessions help - this is what I call "psychological vitamin". She, in my opinion, needs every child today. Therefore, do not neglect the opportunity to join the psychological support group, do not expect to have anxiety symptoms.

Every grief is unique when talking about the loss in the war, usually means death. However, it should be understood that for a child loss of a pet or separation with friends and relatives can be no less grief than the death of a loved one. I had a girl in therapy, who was so worried about the death of a pet - a goldfish - that she had depressed manifestations and fear of death. At the same time, the child did not share his experiences with anyone, because she believed that they were not before.

At therapy, we performed a ritual of farewell and a symbolic burial of fish - and gradually the girl's condition improved. This is very important: to voice pain and legalize feelings. This is the first step to healing. You can never depreciate the baby's experiences, say something like "stop, it's just a fish. " Such words, especially from a loved one, are wounded no less than the loss itself.

The secrets of being injured at times, adults prefer not to tell the child about the death of one of loved ones or relatives - they say, it only injures the child. Children at any age feel the atmosphere of grief in the family. And if they do not understand his reasons (no one told them about the death of a grandmother or dad), then you start blaming yourself. Instead, when we talk about the loss, we live it together, then grief no longer has such power.

And relationships in the family become sincere and warm. Therefore, it is very important to honestly tell the child that the family has happened. Of course, it is necessary to do it according to the age of the child. Preschoolers may not understand what death is - it is necessary to explain it in accordance with the spiritual traditions of the family. It is also important to involve the child in the ritual of farewell - again, taking into account its age and circumstances.

If the child wants to go to the funeral, it is important to explain to her how everything will happen. If the theme of the funeral is frightened by the child, you can involve it in the ritual farewell in another way (funeral lunch, compatible prayer, etc. ). Even if for some reason you have not told you about the death of a loved one or a pet at once, you can do it later. Rituals that heal warm trust relationships have extraordinary healing power.

Simple everyday things can help the child go through the stage of longing, get rid of pain and, after all, become stronger. Linda Goldman is the author of books on the treatment of injury in children, she has research in the field of tonatology with a master's degree in the consulting and equivalence of a master's degree in pre -school education. Over the last 35 years, Linda Goldman has been a consultant and a therapist of grief.

She emphasizes that very often adults rely on the myth that children are too small to feel grief. This is a very harmful myth. If the child is able to love, he is able to go. Linda Goldman has offered simple and effective support methods that parents and other close adults can apply. 1 Allow the child to speak. We can handle what we are able to talk about. In addition, children understand themselves better and learn to recognize their own feelings when they speak them.

The child can share the memories of a dead person or a lost home again and again. Let her do it as much as she needs. 2 Feel free to feel your feelings. The process of grief with an adult allows this person to become a role model for a child. In fact, if a child has never seen a mother crying because of a dad's death, it can injure her and "freeze" feelings. Give yourself and your child the right to burn together. 3 Create a memory box.

It can even be a regular shoe box that the baby will decorate for his own taste. A child can put valuables there that remained from a dear person, photographs and drawings of memories of a peaceful life. You can also create a book of memory - a collection of painted or recorded thoughts and feelings. All this allows the child to safely survive memories. 4 Be careful to the memorable dates related to the dead person.

A child who has died can feel particularly vulnerable, for example, on his father's day, when everyone in the classroom prepare postcards or surprises to their parents. It is important to find a way to attract the child to these activities. For example, you can write a letter of gratitude to your dad and then light a candle in the classroom to honor your dad's memory. 5 Involve art therapy.